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August 17th, 2009
12:11 pm - So...
It's my 17th birthday on August 17th.
I should be happy about being 17 because I can see rated R movies, stay out past 11, donate blood, drive (in december).
I even got a car and I'm getting a tattoo.
I just feel so bad like I don't deserve anything.
I got 2 cards in the mail from my grandma and aunt.
I love them, I wish I could show my appreciation for their cards with more than a Thank-You card.
I feel like I haven't done much with my life and I feel like I wasted 16 years.
At 12:00 am on August 17th, my golden birthday, my moms lost cat, that's been gone for 4 days came home. She was so happy she was crying and woke up my dad. I got a car. I'm the only one in my family who got a tattoo at 17, well getting. I have a job. Great friends. So why do I feel so un-accomplished? and useless.....
The past 3 birthdays i've cried on each of them. It shouldn't feel like this.
I hate birthdays, I always have. :(
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June 23rd, 2009
07:18 pm - :[
I know what I want.
I know what you're not.
I know it wont work.
I know you're scared.
I don't know how to tell you.
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May 20th, 2009
03:06 pm - This isn't what I planned...
You two weren't supposed to break up...
You weren't supposed to be so unhappy that you felt death was your last resort...
You were supposed to get better and not end up in jail...at least not for 4 months...
You weren't supposed to become a whore and sleep around with everyone you met...
You were supposed to be there for me and you weren't...
You weren't supposed to come back into my life just to leave again...
You were supposed to trust me...
You weren't supposed to up and leave without telling people...
You were supposed to help me through this, but you haven't...
You weren't supposed to treat me like this...
There was so much more I could have done to prevent it. So much more. But I didn't realize it until after the fact. I don't know anymore. I'm so lost with everything. I just want to isolate myself from the world and think about things. I need a good week to myself.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/bitospud/courier/black/sad.gif) depressed
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February 21st, 2009
09:23 pm - I
Have a secret.
I'm gonna keep it.
:x
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February 9th, 2009
06:07 pm - Hmm...
Lately life hasn't been going as well as planned. There are many personal battles I must face, it's difficult, but I'm doing okay. I have my cousin, Aaron, who is always there for me, I have my oh so wonderful friends I can turn to, and Brice, the boy I plan on marrying. :)
I've learned that when I'm upset, I don't turn to self-harm or drugs, but I sew. I never thought I could do it, but I taught myself to. I fixed a shirt, pajama shorts, and some clothes for summer. I'm really excited about this because instead of feeling self pity or depression, I feel proud and accomplished, which is something I enjoy feeling.
And I'm thinking that when this whole mess is over, if it will ever be over, I will have a bunched of patched holes and rips and I wont have to keep buying new clothes :D
Well, besides that, nothing new has really happened. I feel a change in me though, I know it's not a good one, and it worries me a lot, but if I stick to my old self and things I like and try to be optimistic, I'm pretty sure I wont turn out like I think.
Have a gooooood daaaayy
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January 26th, 2009
07:51 pm - Brother
You're the leading cause of broken hearts in our family. You played us all like a card. You told us that you left your girlfriend so you could move in and steal from us. You fucking asshole. You know we don't have much anymore from the last time you stole money from us, yet you managed to make away with $1,800.00. What are we supposed to do now? How the fuck could you do that to us, Jedd, how can you steal from the last people on earth who loved you? I have to call the fucking police when I see you now. That shouldn't have to happen when I see my only brother. I've only seen my father cry one time in my whole entire life, but I saw it happen again. You make my mother cry herself to sleep every single night. You're tearing us apart, I hope you're happy. They gave you fucking everything, and you took more than you needed. They took you in even though you stole from them before, and are a heroin addict.
All the pressure is on me now. I have to be the one kid who doesn't fuck them over. I have to go to college, do well for myself. You know I'm not so book smart, you know i've failed since kindergarden, thanks for making me stressed out beyond belief. Dad hasn't been well health wise. He isn't supposed to live as long as he should, and you're killing him every time he hears your name.
You are supposed to be my brother, not a criminal that I have to call the cops for when I see you.
What happened to you? I don't know you anymore, I don't have a brother anymore.
I feel like there's nothing I can do, all eyes are on me. It's my turn, and I feel I'm fucking up worse than ever trying to be the child you couldn't be. Thanks.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/bitospud/courier/black/disappointed.gif) disappointed
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January 14th, 2009
12:52 pm - Sometimes..
All we can do is wait, and wait.......and wait.
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January 12th, 2009
08:44 pm - Oh no....
I have run into a problem. My family has its usual reunion in Tennesee July 27-August 2.
If I go, I'll get to road trip down with Myndi and friends and my cousin Jordan. And I love road trips, I'll also get to hangout with Logan who's been dying to see me, and I miss him too.
If I go, I'll miss Warped Tour, which I've been looking forward to since last year, I go every year. I don't want to miss it.
If I don't go, I'll get to be here alone maybe? But I'll go to Warped Tour and not have to hang around with a bunch of hicks I've met maybe 3 times in my life.
I'm really torn between two things I love and have been waiting for, Logan and Warped Tour.
I don't know what to do. :l
Current Music: Alesana
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January 10th, 2009
02:44 pm - Um what?
Every time my sister or brother is with my mom, they gang up on me and treat me like shit by making fun of me?
But when its me and my sister or me and my mom we're fine. Like a few minutes ago my brother was calling me names and being the regular asshole he is then my mom joined in? WHAT?
At least I'm not 22 living with my parents and acting like a 4 year old.
And the other day my sister was over
Mom: Myndi, want to see a movie?
Myndi: sure.
Mom: What movie
Myndi: I don't know, Emilee what do you want to see?
Mom: No Myndi, I meant just you and me.
Thanks mom. Thanks a lot.
The other day my teacher made me write down the bad things in my life so he could connect to me better. I didn't want to, but I did anyways. He wrote me a letter back, I really didn't want him to. He tried to be all technical with me. He asked why i didn't want to tell him and I said because I don't feel you need to know my personal problems and my life. And he made it into this whole big deal, so to shut him up I wrote it down, then he felt bad.
My week has been terrible. I thought today was going to be better, but I guess I can't get any respect in a household of adults when I'm only 16.
I can't wait to move far away. I feel it's what I need to keep my sanity. :l
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/bitospud/courier/black/indescribable.gif) indescribable
Current Music: Aiden
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January 5th, 2009
01:26 am - I don't
like how when you are almost certain you love someone or have strong feelings about something, you get to thinking, then you start thinking otherwise. And after you've thought about it, those feelings aren't the same, and then you regret thinking. I wish when it comes to matters of the heart, your mind stays out of it.
I saw Curious Case Of Benjamin Button. I felt it was inspirational and good. I liked it. But I also felt it was a little close to the notebook at some parts. I think when that movie comes out, I'm going to buy it. I almost cried, but for some reason I just can't cry in a movie theater.
My day was fine, that is, until I started thinking too much. I'm over analyzing things again, I do that wayyyy too much.
I feel like I'm emotionally destroying myself with each passing thought. I feel the urge to cry, but...I just can't? I don't know what's wrong with me. But I feel like if i have a good cry, and a nap, i'll feel better about everything. I might feel at-ease. Tomorrow, technically today, I go to school. I didn't take pictures for photography because I forgot about the assignment until 8 tonight...
I'm going to be sad most of the day, so maybe seeing people I missed and Grants new haircut I will feel better, or forget about my problems.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/bitospud/courier/black/crushed.gif) crushed
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January 3rd, 2009
11:57 am - Last night
I went bowling with a bunch of people, some I didn't know.
It was such a good time. I made some new friends. And realized I can't bowl to save my life. haha.
After bowling my mom picked up Gilby and I and took us home at like 10:30ish. And Gilby and I watched The Strangers.
I don't like that movie, it wasn't as great as it was played up to be. This morning she left about 10ish. I was sleeping still :l
But today I think I'm going to the mall with my mom, then I'm going to hangout with Levi, maybe Blaise.
I'll tell you how that goes, later.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/bitospud/courier/black/happy.gif) cheerful
Current Music: Mindless Self Indulgence
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January 1st, 2009
10:07 pm - Hints.
I don't like how you aren't picking up on the hints I'm giving you.
Don't you see how I try to get into arguments with you so you'll stop talking to me?
Don't you see how I told you I'm not in love with you?
Haven't you realized I don't want a significant other right now?
You said you'd wait for me, what I meant was, Don't wait for me, move on with your life.
At this point, I feel like I'm leading you on. I don't like it. I tried to be blunt with you and tell you the truth,
but you hung up on me.
I don't trust you..
The more i talk to you, the more I see things about your personality I don't much care for.
We had our chance, things didn't work. You need to accept the fact that I see you as a good friend, nothing more,
nothing less.
I feel that if we get into a relationship, that would ruin our friendship, then we wouldn't have anything, and that's not what I want.
I want you to be there for me, and be able to talk to me, and I want to be best friends with you, but I just don't love you as more
than a friend.
I'm sorry, but please, stop asking me.
It hurts me to have to say no. :[
Current Location: Underoath
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/bitospud/courier/black/worried.gif) pessimistic
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04:49 pm - New Years
So my New Year started off better than imagined.
I spent it with people I care a lot about.
It's odd to me how these amazing people became such good friends of mine.
Last year I really didn't know them, I had no intentions of being friends with them.
But now they are like my family. I care so much about them.
I feel at home when I'm around them.
I guess what makes them so special is that they are sincere, thoughtful, caring, and not afraid to fart in front of each other. :P
They are all just so comfortable with everyone and it makes me so happy.
I feel so accepted and myself when I'm with them.
I can't imagine not having them in my life now that I see how wonderful they can be.
I think my new years resolution is going to be something around the lines of
being more accepting, and understanding with everyone. I'm going to try and make more friends, and see
if I can open up to people more. I feel resistant with some people, I'm not quite sure why, but I know I want to change it.
Also: my other goal is to text Levi goodnight, every single night of 2009. :)
Happy 2009, let this year go better than the last.
Current Mood: content
Current Music: Paramore
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December 30th, 2008
02:36 am - "The wait makes it sweeter when you get it" you said
Thinking about:
That day when, in the middle of everything that was going on,
you stopped, time stopped, the movie went silent,
and all I could hear was your voice saying
"You're so beautiful..." and looking up to find your eyes gazing into mine
That moment is what I remember most, it's what I think about before I sleep.
It's what keeps a smile on my face.
Thanks for making one of the most memorable moments in my life.
I'm never going to forget that day. I'm never going to forget you, i swear.
But it seems now as if we are drifting in different directions.
Someone once told me that when you find someone who you can trust with your life, and you're completely comfortable around, don't let them go.
I'm a damn fool for letting you go.
But things weren't working out as planned.
Maybe we can try again over summer, I really hope so.
I miss you so much, it hurts.
I think about you every single day.
I don't think I'm going to stop, I don't want to stop...
I just hope you think about me from time to time too.
This may sound selfish... but I don't think I want you to move on from me...
I'm so scared you're going to forget about me, and I never want that to happen.
You made a promise to me once "When I get a car, we'll be together again, I promise you that."
Don't break your promise to me, please.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/bitospud/courier/black/thoughtful.gif) nostalgic
Current Music: Boys Like Girls
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